The Selectors Dilemma …
The light was slowly fading when the selectors closed the nets,
They had come to have a meeting about good old Captain Glitz,
The captain of the ‘Z’ grade made up of fits and bits,
Stuck on the bottom of the ladder, now blamed on Captain Glitz!
‘He’s over and well past it’, the Chairman said of Glitz,
‘He hasn’t made a run in weeks, this is his worst season yet’,
‘This is one of those rotten seasons a cricketer tries to forget!’
So a decisions was made and the team was changed, albeit with some regret,
As Captain Glitz continued to suffer his worst season yet.
Now the Chairman of selectors was a brash and bawdy bloke,
Who outside the ‘Purple Circle’ was regarded as just a joke,
He’d bragged about his hundreds and all the boundaries smote,
And all the clubs he’d played for, although they seemed remote.
And he hated the fact that Captain Glitz, a hale and hearty bloke,
Was respected by all the players and all the supporting folk.
The Chairman said ‘I’ll take his place and show this club right now,
With my batting and my bowling, I’ll give his team some wow!
And once I’ve made a ‘Ton’ and some, I’ll run through them with spin,
‘With my fielding I’m a wizard so their score will be quite thin,
And guarantee the ‘Z’ grade, will get their first-up win.’
So down in Deadbeat Oval the Chairman won the toss,
‘We’ll bat said he, this umpires queer, their appeals will surely be lost,
And as for the number of sundries, they’ll certainly count the cost!’
So the Chairman strode to the wicket saying, ’I’ll take the opening stand,
These bowlers roll like ‘dibbly-dobblers’, so I’ll hit them where I plan,
And I’ll show these blokes just what it’s like, when my sixers hit the stand!
But some of us know, in these grades set low, that sixer’s you can count on one hand,
As the cunning old trundlers with fields set to plunder, all wait to be hit to the stand!
So the Chairman was surprised, when bowled a ‘pie’, that even the blind could see,
And he took a big swish for a ‘cow corner’ six and finished up buggering his knee!
He cried I’m in pain, but I’ll keep playing the game, despite the twist in my knee,
But to his great shame, was his next shot in vain and he buggered his other knee!
Their captain said ‘mate you look in bad shape, can we carry you now from the field?
‘Carry me off, do you think I’m a toff’ the Chairman then roared with great zeal,
‘I’ve won a great toss, this game won’t be lost, and what’s more I’ve shots you never will field!’
So the players changed ends, they remarked he’s no friend, a good sport he never will be.
So they brought on their ace, a man of great pace, a psychopath he happened to be.
While his team showed concern for the Chairman infirm, there was only a grin from him.
With long lanky run and murderous aplomb ‘the Assassin’ never slackened his pace,
Though warned of his form by umpires forlorn, he showed a complete lack of grace,
And the rules for the day, when it came to fair play, they came from far outer space!
So, the Chairman faced up to the Assassin, with the new ball shining in hand,
Who sprinted in with a thunderbolt, it flew right from his hand,
It must have reached the ‘critical speed’ as it reared up past his gland,
And broke a dozen pickets in the fence, before landing in the stand!
The Chairman swallowed hard at this, as the ball he never saw,
And waiting for the second ball, his nerves were running raw!
As he’d heard of this in bar room chat when Gilbert hit the stand,
And he wondered how his groin would feel if the Assassin hit his gland!
The Assassin snarled, ‘better cover-up as this one’s for your gland!’
You ‘A’ grade blokes are a bunch of bunnies and you’ll come to understand,
That when you play in ‘Z’ grade you’ve got to be a man!’
So discretion being better and safer than valor, the Chairman then limped off the field,
He’d had enough, this game was tough, but not at the expense of his gland!
So Captain Glitz, well down the list, was promoted and took the field,
He knew the Assassin’s tactics well and so had devised a shield,
Saying his old plastic box was not strong enough, it had to form a seal,
‘If one’s to make some useful runs, it has to be made of steel’
‘So I’ve bent this dustbin lid instead, so the ump. will think it’s real!
The Assassin was pacing at the top of his run while Glitz was taking his guard,
He muttered under his murderous breath, I’ll hit the pitch quite hard,
A short pitched bouncer to the head and he’ll drop like a ton of lard,
Then I’ll follow it up with a quick full-toss, bowled with an extra yard,
And he’ll join his team-mates in the shed, with nothing on the card!
So, the Assassin ran in with a maddening grin, and bouncers he let fly,
But all were cut and hooked over the fence, till their captain let out with a cry,
The Assassin exploded, his plan had imploded as his captain’s hopes were on high,
Who angrily attested the Assassin be rested, who then began to cry!
So at the end of this match on Deadbeat Patch, the Chairman and Assassin looked grim,
As the Chairman continued to bewail his luck and the Assassin still angry as sin,
Because Captain Glitz with his dustbin lid, made of the finest steel,
Had repulsed the deadly gland attacks, ringing out with each appeal,
And with two hundred runs for the record books, an innings of outstanding zeal!
The moral of this, is to avoid poor picks when the selectors are in a stew,
As blowhards with risk, tricks and flicks, land your cricket team, deep in the poo!
Watto!
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